OINK, OINK OINK OINK CLUCK. BAH, MOO.

OINK,

OINK OINK

OINK CLUCK.

BAH, MOO.

Oink

(A Short Fiction)

Grunt

(by)

Oink Oink Grunt. Oink Oink

(David A. Archer)

02-15-1968

Oink.

Hello to you too, Daisy. How is your mornin'?

Oink oink oink oink, oink. Grunt oink oink. Oinkie oink oink grunt?

That is nice to hear.... and I sure do! I got some tasty vittles right here in this sloppin' bucket...just fer you and t' other folks in yer pin.

Oink oink.

I will in just a minute now, Daisy... don't you go gettin' too all fired in a hurry.

Moo moo ...bah ,cluck cluck cluck!

Well sure I do! I have some cracked corn here in my apron and some oats and hay just waitin' fer you all to wake up an' stat yer day!

Squeal oink oink oink! Bah, moo moo, baaaah...cluck cluck cluck!

But there is one little stipulation this particular mornin'!

Oink?

Yeah, you heard me... see I was a readin' a fancy city picture book magazine last evenin' and I had me an idea.

See, them city folk just love t' hear 'bout someone else's story and the like... and, from what I can tell, they really like to hear somebody tell someone else's story like it was there own. so I got t' thinkin'....an' that's where you all come in.

See. I figure I can do just as good as most all them fancy picture book types... an' even better, if it is that I can mange to get a story 'er two out a' you all. See, they might got all kind a fancy this and that in them big ol' cities...but they ain't never seen the likes a none a you...not to mention yer ever'day excitin' lives. Oh course, that is...beyond the styrofoam cartons an' some other stuff none a' ya' like to talk 'bout much.

I figure a good ol' yarn 'bout yer mud hole over there might just bring the barn down, like we used t' say.

So, how's 'bout it? Think you all could see fit to spill the beans just a little on yer in's an' out's so t' speak? 'Course, we have t' pertend like we went an' made it up just special fer the picture book folks... unless they go gettin the notion that we live as easy as we do and the like. You know, a little spit shine just to keep from movin' in on all the good stuff?

Go ahead and talk 'bout it mungst yerselves fer a bit.... I'll be standin' right here with yer mornin' slop, oats and feed...just waitin' all patient like to hear what ya' go an' decide.

Oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo bah. Grunt oink oink oink cluck moo. Cluck cluck grunt, oinkie oinkie grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink, moo. Oink oink oink! Cluck? Moo? Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluck grunt bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Cluck cluck oink. Oinkie cluck grunt oink oink….. moo moo. Bah cluck oink oink cluck oink oink oink oink oink…squeal, grunt cluck.

OINK!

MOO!

Oinkie oink?

Cluck cluck cluck!

Baaaah.

OINK OINK OINK!

Well alright then. I guess that just goes an' settles that doesn't it?

Now Mable, don't go gettin flustered...but you know I can't milk ya' if ya' go holdin' out on the story tellin'.... first things first, don't cha' know.

Mooooo.

Now you all go on and make up a real good story fer them folks to all inspired an' in awe with.

Cluck cluck..... cluck, bah moo.

That is correct. If ya' go doin' a real good story tellin'... it just means that ya' all get better sloppin' an' grazin'..... don't that sound like a fair deal?

Now one a' ya' go on ahead an' start off a good ol' yarn 'bout somethin' real interestin' and the like.

Daisy.... you always have somethin' nifty t' go on 'bout...why don't you get t'others started?

Squeeeeal!

Tell the story first, Daisy.... then I'll put down yer mornin' slop.

Oink.

It is too, fair! I listent to ya' go on ever'day 'bout this and the other thang. Well, here is yer big chance! I promise I'll send it in t' the big ol' city folks picture book company...and I'll be sure an' tell 'em that you had the best parts of it!

How's that? sound fair?

Grunt oink oink, oink.

Alright then.... get on with it will ya'?

Oink oink grunt grunt oink oink. Moo Moo, cluck cluck cluck cluck, oink.

Moo oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo cluck bah grunt squeel. Oint grunt oink oink oink cluck moo moo moo. Cluck cluck oink grunt, oinkie oinkie oinkie oink oink grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck cluck cluck cluck. Oink oink oink oink oink moo, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluckie cluck grunt bah bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink oink bah. Grunt oink oink moo. Grunt oink oink bah cluck. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo bah. Grunt oink oink oink cluck moo. Cluck cluck grunt, oinkie oinkie grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluck grunt bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Cluck moo cluck oink. Oinkie cluck grunt oink oink….. moo moo. Bah cluck oink oink cluck oink oink oink oink oink…squeal, grunt cluck.

You don't say! Well, I declair! That is sure fire press worthy story tellin' so far. Don't let me break yer pace.

Bah oink oink moo oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo cluck bah grunt squeel. Oint grunt oink oink oink cluck moo moo moo. Cluck cluck oink grunt, oinkie oinkie oinkie oink oink grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck cluck cluck cluck. Oink oink oink oink oink moo, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluckie cluck grunt bah bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink oink bah. Grunt oink oink moo. Grunt oink oink bah cluck. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck moo oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Oink moo bah cluck oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo bah. Grunt oink oink oink cluck moo. Cluck cluck grunt, oinkie oinkie grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluck grunt bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

You sure are good at this! I remember when that happened, too. Man that was some belly laughin' good time! I couldn't get Mayble out a' yer mud hole fer near two days...even with the tracter. Man were you steamed, Daisy. I thought you was goin' to have a kan-iption fit 'er somethin'....an' all she did was wonder inta' yer mud hole. Go on now...tell some more for the recordin' device here;

Cluck cluck cluck cluck oink. Oinkie oink cluck grunt oink oink….. moo moo moo. Bah bah moo cluck oink oink cluck oink oink oink oink oink…squeal grunt, grunt cluck.

Moo moo moo grunt oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo cluck bah grunt squeel. Oint grunt oink oink oink cluck moo moo moo. Cluck cluck oink grunt, oinkie oinkie oinkie oink oink grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck cluck cluck cluck. Oink oink oink oink oink moo, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluckie cluck grunt bah bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink oink bah. Grunt oink oink moo. Grunt oink oink bah cluck. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Oink bah bah cluck oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo bah. Grunt oink oink oink cluck moo. Cluck cluck grunt, oinkie oinkie grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluck grunt bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Cluck cluck oink oink oink oink cluck oink. Oinkie grunt squeal grunt cluck grunt oink oink….. moo moo. Bah cluck oink oink cluck oink oink oink oink oink…squeal, grunt cluck.

Maybe we should leave that part fer another story? We don't want it t' be too good the first time out, do we? That's some best seller stuff you were just goin' on 'bout. I think we should save it fer a one a' what they call a' folla' up story. That's where ya' go an' do another good story that ain't too much better'n the first one...but ain't too sad neither.

What do ya' think 'bout that?

Oink oink. Mooooooo. Bah cluck cluck.

Bah moo moo oink oink oink oink bah cluck oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo cluck bah grunt squeel. Oint grunt oink oink oink cluck moo moo moo. Cluck cluck oink grunt, oinkie oinkie oinkie oink oink grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck cluck cluck cluck. Oink oink oink oink oink moo, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluckie cluck grunt bah bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink oink bah. Grunt oink oink moo. Grunt oink oink bah cluck. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Alright already! I didn't mean t' go startin' no family feud 'er nothin'.... we dang sure don't need t' loose the Hatfields an' McCoys 'er nothin' of the sort. Just get back t' the story an' we'll work it out on down the road some.

Oink oink oink oink oink, cluck moo cluck cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo bah. Grunt oink oink oink cluck moo. Cluck cluck grunt, oinkie oinkie grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluck grunt bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

Cluck cluckity cluck grunt oink. Oinkie cluck grunt oink oink….. moo moo. Bah cluck oink oink cluck oink oink oink oink oink…squeal, grunt cluck.

Moo cluck bah cluck oink oink oink oink, cluck oink grunt cluck oink moo cluck bah grunt squeel. Oint grunt oink oink oink cluck moo moo moo. Cluck cluck oink grunt, oinkie oinkie oinkie oink oink grunt cluck oink oink grunt bah cluck cluck cluck cluck. Oink oink oink oink oink moo, cluck cluck oink. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink cluckie cluck grunt bah bah cluck moo oink. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink oink bah. Grunt oink oink moo. Grunt oink oink bah cluck. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck. Oink oink oink oink, cluck cluck oink moo. Grunt oink oink moo. Cluck cluck, oinkie oink oink grunt bah cluck.

OINK OINK!

that was some endin'! Them folks are gonna be all sorts a taken' with that there fancy talkin' you all just done. I bet we won't even have t' offer 'em none a' what they go callin' auti-graphs t' get that there story in the best pictures books 'round.

Oink, cluckie moo moo?

Yessir I do thank it's just that derned good a' story tellin'...an' I'll be bettin' them fancy picture book publishers are goin' t' say the same derned thang!

You all are 'bout t' be in some plump oats an' tall cotton as a person might say... I can tell just a' lookin' at the rough draft here.

Oink.....

Well, yer welcome Daisy... an' I'm tellin' ya, It looks like it's hog heaven fer sure.

Don't go fergettin' us little folks now, ya hear me a talkin' at ya' Daisy?

I bet they will be sendin' that fancy chaufer just as soon as I go sendin' it off! Then, it's off t' the marketing I suppose. You be sure an' enjoy th' ride.

A SPATIAL THANKSGIVING

A SPATIAL THANKSGIVING!

A Short Fiction

Around Thanksgiving

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

11/09/2006

I have heard countless accounts of Thanksgiving. Most quite predictably from friends speaking of it as if it were an affliction. I have even been to a few of those functions, and I have to say that I do sympathize with them to some degree.

I sympathize because I never have had to experience that for myself beyond short visits to "their normal" functions. So I suppose that makes me kind of privileged in some way.

Thanksgiving was always different around my house. But then again, so were allot of other things when I think back on it. Thanksgiving though, was really different... different than other people's anyway.

My family and I would sit around all day listening to old time radio shows. Most especially sci-fi programs.

It was even encouraged to make and wear costumes celebrating our favorite radio show characters, which of course is simply out of the question in the modern day, given that there was never any visual to guide the costume making. My mother got away with wearing bondage gear one year... she went a little crazy with the "blonde beauty" too, but that - her and my father usually kept quiet.

She claimed to be an invader from planet Zoidalite - but we all realized she was just half crazy and wanted some other "spicy" attention from anywhere she could get it. I had her beat that year anyhow, with my aluminum foil get up depicting Captain Substantial.

I will just leave that one to your own thoughts as I am not yet as removed as is my mother in the want of extra attentions.

We would never drink. In fact it was frowned upon around my house growing up as my family had close affiliations with the originating members of the Autistic Artist's no drinking alcohol club.

It really does work.... but no one has really figured out what for EXACTLY yet, though several people have found various uses for the organization.

I can remember long holidays just sitting there listening to the radio shows broadcast heroic deed after heroic deed, to no less excitement each and every time as our capes waved and space armor rattled and cheers roared with that annoying bad sound effect echo that is supposed to sound like outer space.

I can't tell you how many times we had secret correspondence with secret agencies about real space stuff. We were just that into the radio shows.....and the costumes obviously helped with the situations. They seemed to make the secret agents a little more comfortable about the whole thing. Like it made them feel more at home.

I still hold a few of those traditions myself. No matter what, I always make a costume and dress up... regardless of whether or not I spring mother from the old folks home. And I still always have the same thing for dinner on that evening... even if I forgot to save room after eating as much Jiffed Pop popcorn as humanly possible.

Turkey T.V. dinners. At least four of them since I have grown up. I was always the one in the family that tended toward the more "normal" aspects of society and it showed in my preference for the turkey dinner on Thanksgiving.

I always thought it was kind of funny that we had T.V. dinners while we listened to old radio shows, but I pretended not to notice the contradiction and besides, dad always thought it was more authentic and space ship like.

He even insisted that we refer to the apartment as the Space Capsule Zoomer!

I don't think I will tell you what we had to call the bathroom. That one gets kind of personal....but I will tell you that there was always aluminum foil, blinking lights and plastic wire casing everywhere!

My dad even rigged the vacuum cleaner special, just for that added touch of realism. It was such a hit with the family that we had to stop using it after the third or fourth year just to keep all of the family members in the "radio room" ... more so, out of the bathroom area.

Yep! I still go with the good old turkey dinner every year!

And if I am feeling really on my game, I scoop out the cranberry sauce before I put the dinner in the oven, so I can put it back into the tray after the rest of the meal is hot.... and have it cold.

Warp speed was always great.... but a guy gets tired of watching his mothers dress blow up around her ears every year. Especially after puberty... and then even more so when it is time to explain it to the girlfriend - AGAIN.

It kind of makes me wonder if warp speed was a worth while invention. There is just so much explaining to do about the resulting effects when it gets used around Thanksgiving.

Captain Substantial is going to the galley now.... just to carefully replace the cranberry sauce in the dinner tray and then enjoy his space ship meal.

It is a zero gravity environment, you know?

DREADED FESTIVITIES

DREADED FESTIVITIES

A Short Fiction

Around Thanksgiving

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

11/08/2006

So I finally had a minute to myself the other day and I realized the horror that lay ahead.

Many would suppose that Halloween would hold the deepest horrors ever known to man.... but little will anyone ever admit, especially to their parents... Thanksgiving is usually the most dreaded time of year.

It must have been a sadist that invented a holiday where everyone that could not stand to be around one another for the first years of their lives - having been forced into the same family through some horrible predestined fate, were forced to again gather in a close area... then further around and in a feeding frenzy.

It just goes against the idea that humans are some extension of animal to begin with.

To think that there is a supposed celebration where you have to be around the kind of people you never even admit you know when you are around friends? Really kind of a slight of hand if you consider it.

It most certainly is some sort of social trickery played on the masses. Someone somewhere gets a kick out of it every year. The day itself is punishment enough, but then come the pressures of lying about the food to an aging mother that refuses to let anyone else do the cooking... especially if you happen to be of the male persuasion. Then the fighting over places to sit, which begin in a civilized enough manner during the day... but then progress into near divorce court proceedings when and after it is that people have grown again, far too accustomed to one another.

The male kids check out each others porn and trying to keep it from the tattle tale girls in order to avoid some scene while it is that they all play coy and cool in every aspect of endeavor.... some even tempting the boundaries of their parents a little more each year with ventures out and away from the gathering place - maybe even for a little "smoochie face" with the new acquaintance being the neighbor girl while everyone else pretends not to notice.

It was definitely someones big joke somewhere... but I was going to have to go through it again this year. Maybe I could bring a few new skin mags for the kids? They hardly ever get any new stuff.

We were all expected to bring something to contribute. I thought for a moment and considered that perhaps it was the year to make a statement. Any statement as long as it was something outside of the standard motion within the day.

The guys would talk about the game... and the girls would talk about how they knew the guys had no clue about one thing or another.

Man was I glad for the moment right now. At least I was still far enough away from it that I could breath easy and appreciate the distance between myself and that horrible holiday so misnamed and falsely advertised.

It could be the biggest conspiracy ever to have developed. That much is obvious given how many people participate each year and continue to propagate it as some grand event.

It was most definitely a conspiracy and a conspiracy that I could imagine the government being quite envious of as it didn't seem to have any real direction except happening again every year under the same false pretenses.

Such thoughts served to give inspiration to yet more thoughts.

Just who's joke was it that was important enough to manage in keeping an envious United States Government from shutting down a far too successful propaganda ploy and conspiracy that was not of their own doing and had no real direction, being the Thanksgiving Holiday?

It had to be someone or something huge! Some unimaginable entity that puppets even the United States Government in leveraging the envious pleasures of some uncontrolled conspiracy dangling in their face - happening every year on the same day, just to spite I pressume.....

That kind of power was even scary just to think about. But then again, I was talking about the U.S. Government. These people have been known to lose trucks for crying out loud. It was still kind of frightening to consider though, regardless.

So I sipped another beer and again gave thanks for being so distant from the fateful holiday called Thanksgiving and wondered momentarily just what I would bring this year as a token in contribution?

Maybe I would go out on a limb and bring some fancy dog biscuits for the pooch? Some porn for the kids and some fancy dog treats for the mutt.....

It wasn't like anyone would notice. And maybe the dog treats would go nice with the beer?

THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

Thanksgiving

Holiday!

A Short Fiction

Around Thanksgiving

By

David A. Archer

02/15/1968

11/08/2006

It felt like the car just went on autopilot as I drifted off in my head.

I could have sworn I heard the banjo's somewhere in the background as I began to envision the large table - never used with all of the enlargement leafs any other time of the year - nearly buckling under the girth of inhuman amounts of food.

The smells in my memory began to take the place of the fading motion through the windshield as the car kept motoring along seeming just as anxious as I was finding myself at arriving.

It seemed like it could have been a year ago, even though I had only just been home before the fall semester began... it was the holiday. The association with the holiday that seemed to make the short months since I was there seem so long ago.

I could see the later parts of the evening in my head as I drove along. The smaller children all demanding attention until they fell over dead asleep only to be woken again in time to eat.... and complain of course through having been woken up.

Then of course the dog would get scolded if not kicked at several times for trying to climb into a chair to "get a better vantage point" on the goods so greedily kept from reach on top of such a useless things as must be a table from his perspective.

I personally would be drunk before the evening was over.... and passed out in a chair if I could manage to hold my position on one. Of course, if I played it right with the kids, I could dupe someone into running to the cooler or fridge for more beers so as not to risk my seat.

I knew the smells would waft as I approached the door. I knew the dog would do everything it could to get the most of my attention as soon as possible. Odd how they are like that. Those first few minutes are through the roof with excitement... then moments later you have to push them out of the way to sit down... like nothing had changed since the first time they found such a wonderful spot to get a nap.

Of course this then again changes when the suggestion of food enters the possibilities. Suddenly they are all alive and excited again and usually picking on the smallest kid, somehow knowing of the better chance in leveraging some snack from their hand with either persuasion or the happenstance "bump" which allows for gravity to take effect on the desired morsel.

Yeah, the dog would be there unless someone managed to kill it since late August. Funny that it was all one sided when I left back then... with the dog that is. Like they don't know parting, but only the unexplained excitement in realizing arrival.

Maybe we could get lucky again this year and it would sneak out for an adventure on its own in the confusion of all of the motion around the house? There is nothing like an impromptu "man hunt" for a dog at the vehement request of some frightened child concerned for its well being.... usually just before the meal.

There always has to be drama of some sort at these functions. The odd progression of it is in watching the uncomfortable grasping in transition to provide it as the older drunks get too old to play their part any more and the younger ones are still too concerned with looking like they are doing alright on their own.

Maybe I could open a business that provided a "holiday drunk sure to please" sort of deal. A consistent "rent it" drama provider. Nothing too extreme of course. Just enough to provide that all important area of distraction in useless concern..... that competition for attentions and chest puffing in their response.

I figured on some price ranges as I began to slip back into the reality of the stop sign sliding past just at the corner of my block, in time to give me a little thrill as I again played over all of the activity that would happen in the coming moments. Especially those reactions to the stories I would have to tell, including the one about the traffic cop with nothing better to do on the holiday than wait this close to my house to write me a ticket for running a stop sign.

"If I could still see him just after dinner, I might even bring him out a plate" I thought as I noticed his exit from the cruiser in my mirror.

As long as he said "happy holidays" I thought to myself again as the window came down... "good holiday" would be good enough I then reasoned as I again started my vehicle to continue the few feet to the driveway.

Yeah, "good holiday" was good enough I suppose, as long as he helped us find the dog.